It’s changed a little bit since last year, when I went through something I never thought I would survive. I spent Mother’s Day in San Francisco with my oldest child (the only one who doesn’t threaten to move home to Maui on a regular basis). I was on cloud nine. I love being a mother, it's kind of my thing.
We hugged goodbye, I hopped on my flight and headed back with a full heart. I stepped off that plane into my own worst nightmare. My husband of twenty-four years announced that he wanted a divorce. My whole world turned upside down. He told me that he had met someone else and wanted to live his life without me. I was completely blindsided. Shattered. I felt like I was going to die.
I wasn’t sure I would ever be the same. Turns out, I was right. I’m not the same. I’m better. Along with my last name, an enormous number of things have changed for better, and for good.
Darkness covered me like a heavy blanket. My days were filled with tears, stress, doubt, and fear. I had to fight just to breathe some days, to put one foot in front of the other. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I obsessed over what I could have done to prevent my husband from leaving me. I battled the voices in my head that told me I wasn’t pretty enough, attentive enough, fun enough, kind enough. I was a hot mess, and I was grieving the death of a life I thought I wanted. Then one day a crack appeared. Light started to filter in. Finally, I began to tame those voices in my head. And I received a revelation of my own—I deserved so much better than this. And I was determined to have it.
I crawled out of that darkness with a commitment to living my life in a whole new way. I took a deep dive into self healing. I learned how to master my mind and my emotions. I learned how to dream again. I didn't want my old life back anymore. I wanted the life I knew I could build for myself. I found myself on the phone with other women who were experiencing their own version of the great dumpster fire that is divorce. There was plenty of commiserating, and a fair amount of ugly crying. But over and over I ended my calls with whispers of truth, to myself as much as to these women…You can do it.
KIDS TO MY NAME
WEDDING DRESSES WORN*
MOVIES I'VE STAYED AWAKE FOR IN THE LAST YEAR
NUMBER OF 'PETS' CAUGHT BY my CHILDREN IN THE WILD
*but that's a story for another day
I might be sending one of my boys who did end up moving home out to fix a sprinkler or pump up the tires on my beach cruiser...that thing has more miles on it than my car! I might be taking pictures of them surfing, or I might be snuggled up in my new art studio reading a book. (I’m probably reading the book). My art studio used to be a man-cave with a filing cabinet and a lazy-boy. Yuck. Now it’s a peaceful haven for my soul, and the place I inhabit on the daily to write, plan, and dream. I redesigned this space with my healing in mind. It’s a soft place to land, and it’s world headquarters for Michelle K.